“If I Die”

What do you mean by “If I die?”

Losing your body, losing your soul, losing your memory or losing my love?

If it is “losing your body”…

It was never mine,

And I am not the person whom you hold in your arms when the night is cold or I am not the one who sleep next to you when you wake up every morning…. And I am not the one who smell your breath every minute ….

Still… you live within me

What do you mean by “If I die?”

If it is “losing your soul”…

You never share your soul with me, 

I am not the soul mate of yours, with whom you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, which u begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior – a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before….

Still…  I see you, your soul as crystal clear

What do you mean by “If I die?”

If it is “losing your memory”…

I was never the song you whisper  

I am the always who comes last to your mind… who is forgotten for weeks, being replaced easily, never a priority and the option before the last. .. The one who is never saved in the memory lane… the picture never captured by your mind…

Still… you always in my permanent memory

What do you mean by “If I die?”

If it is “losing my love”…

You never loved me

I never cross your mind, not the first choice or the favorite, not the water you need or the jam you taste…. Not the sun or the moon but the star and the cloud …I am not the beat of your heart or the love of your life….

Still… love you-truly, madly, deeply

So what “if you die?”

Nothing will change or nothing will take you away from me. My mind will hold your memory, my heart will keep the love and faith will let me know where I will meet you again.

මම.....

සියල්ල අභියස අමතක වෙන
සියල්ලට පසු මතකයට එන....
අපූරු පඳ ගැළපුමකි
මම.....

සමහරක් සබඳකම්…..

දින 23 ක්,
පැය 552 ක්....
විනාඩි නම් 33,120 ක්.
එනමුඳු.....
විනාඩි 5 ක් වෙන් කරන්න තරම්,
නොවැදගත් කථාවක්.
පෙරවඳන්... පසුවඳන්....
කුමකටද ඒ තරම් ?
ලාබයි සමහරක් සබඳකම් ....
අපි නොහිතනා තරම්.

My heart weeps silently

Over the emptiness you left in me;

Even though I let you go willingly,

It hurts that you gave up so easily.

@MAYFLOWERMUSE 

19 SAT, MAY-2018 at 4.59 am  

Breaking the Stereotype and being “Absolutely Wrong Women”

 According to the Cambridge English dictionary this is how it defines the word “female”: belonging or relating to women, or the sex that can give birth to young or produce eggs. Is that all about being a female; kind of an individual who can give birth or produce eggs? Is that the only identity we have? Then what about the women who can never give a birth to a child or the one who medically infertilite. Are they never considering as “females”? I think being a woman is something more than biology, and maybe it even goes beyond critically looking at gender as a social construct. 

In an unexpected moment from an unexpected person I received this statement that “you are an absolutely wrong women”. Even though its just 6 words, the depth hit the deepest point of the heart and started echoing in my mind continuously asking the same question from myself. “Am I? Absolutely wrong women… to whom? In which way? Then who am I?” I understood the gravity of those words and the impact on one individual can create to another using terrible words intentionally or unknowingly.

Although the women are way more active in the workforce and also in working environment, most of us still believe that women thrive solely on feminine jobs that involve giving birth to a baby, taking care of children, health, beauty, culinary work and managing household specially the kitchen.

Stereotypes about women are deeply embedded in our culture. They permeate every aspect of our communication with one another: being a teenage girl, being a girlfriend, sibling, wife, mother, grandmother, working women, dress sense, education, her freedom, her duties, her responsibilities…..… you name it. It doesn’t take long before they wiggle their way into our minds, and from there they sneak into our stories. From nature we humans are very lazy. That is the main reason why stereotypes are flourishing and passing from one person to another… one society to another and one generation to another.  These created pictures or imaginary scenarios always allow us to take mental shortcuts when we need to make judgment and decision about women.  So when we meet a women we always use their appearance, behavior or the other obvious characteristics to compare them with the mental picture we have and in most of cases we jump into false imaginations of what she is without actually putting an effort to find who she is.

She is wearing glasses so she must be socially awkward, she is fat …gosh how she is going to find a man, she has no fashion sense must be nerd, she talk like a boy no decency, her dress is too short might be characterless, she is having a tattoo like prostitute, she has lot of boyfriends might be a supper catch, she is too educated ohh sure she is going through a very unsuccessful marriage, she is not wearing a her wedding ring ohh seems problems in her marriage… those are few of many stereotypes that are portrayed in our society.

In this new level of popular culture women represent a different role. A more important and much serious role than before. Being educated, representing managerial roles in corporate world, being independent, free thinking and looking around with open eyes is not a crime. It’s just breaking the stereotypes. So how come those women becoming absolutely wrong? Yes they are absolutely wrong for the men, women or for societies where still living with that stereotype attitudes but not for the people who moves with positive changes.  I am sure most of today’s ladies have been probably been discriminated against, or treated differently, at some point in their life because of a stereotype that was long ago applied to our culture. For some, I perceive it may be worse than others.

From the time we are born, from the cultural backgrounds we are coming from, we are taught or groomed how to behave like a boy or as a girl. Boys are supposed to be tough, encourage to never show fear, and to never express emotions. They are taught to be brave, strong and to be independent while girls are taught to be well-mannered, proper, and always say thank you and please. As a result girls grow up believing they are meant to become a housewife and mother, taking care of the children, need to be a dependent of a strong man while tending to the house. Therefore most women are stereotyped as weak, emotional and need to be supported while men are considered the idols. Because of this stereotype, many women struggle with activities that they are excluded and/or discouraged from. In the modern era, stereotypes seem to be the way people justify and simplify the society.

Therefore while dumping those culturally defined ideas about being women I think it’s good to be absolutely wrong women no matter how society defines you. Because all cultures, all communities prefer kind of a class of people over others. All those years I had a pretty good idea about growing up, be independent one day and playing a role as I always dreamed. For that, all the women I knew and all strong ladies around me played a very strong role models. They all had something common same time something different which made them unique from each other.  Today standing in this messed up society when I am looking back I am seriously wondering how the hell they made that. We never want to be a men or never want to compare ourselves with men. Men is men and we should appreciate them all the time for what they do because there are things they do which we cant.… yet women should be appreciated… appreciated ourselves too for what we do which all men can’t do.   It’s tough… absolutely difficult… and un-explainable to be an absolutely wrong women.

I am feeling it....

I am feeling it....

In the tips of my fingers

In the blink of my eyes

In the slow beat of my heart...

I am feeling it.....

In the lonely evenings

Inside my reading room

Among the things I love to do....

I am feeling it....

In the silence of my sugar candy

In the long breaths before answering

In the cold question marks....

I am feeling it.....

In the eyes of ones I love

In the words I write

In the crying smile.....

Yes

I am feeling it.....

That the waiting time is over

And it’s time to be ready

For the wonderful journey......

Over the mountains.... across oceans

And to smell the freedom  

The wonder between us

Most of us say that love is a choice, which we can choose to love or not to love.  But rarely and unexpectedly there are people like us who never ever planned to fall in love again. So continuously I am questioning my self... “Why I have fallen for you, how is it possible that I am in love with someone this much selfish and that robotic? And I am in love with someone who isn’t mine?”

How differently we can feel about someone at the beginning of the journey and at the end of the journey. The best kind of relationships begins unexpectedly. I realized that when I replay our interactions over and over in my mind; the way you react, they way you ignore, the silence....  you are completely blind to what you feel. And the cruelest thing you do to me is making me feel that I am a complete stranger and always a temporary replacement.   Finally I became an object and I myself stand and watching how you play with the object. Still.....  lam falling again and again with my own feelings about you. I think that’s the wonder of a human heart... the level of tolerance for ignorance and the warmth of the human interaction. When you get the astonished feeling and everything happens so suddenly. That’s why you don’t look for love. It comes to us just at the right time. The time we never thought it would have. 

I always believe that feeling unsure and lost is part of our paths. So don’t ever avoid it. Let it come out. Let it flow as it is. See what those feelings are trying to show you and use it wisely. Feel it gently. Share and spread it unconditionally. When you are feeling tired ... close your eyes and take a deep breath, you will be okay. 

I assume that I know most of the things about you... the bull with wildest behavior, the demon with the darkest secrets, and the saint with the kind eye and the human with all black and white. Yet I am never too hurrying to judge you and I love you anyway. I have learned to let go of the people and things that I love but never the love I have for them..... So I am there...  just next to you...  standing in a corner... just looking at you... just letting go of all the right reasons and looking for reasons to stay. 

With all I have seen and with all I have been through in life, what I learned most is  how to love people, how to be a safe place for ones who need me, and how to be a smile for people I know. And I did that and I am sure you experienced it. 

මතකය

කිසිදු අයුරකින්
අල්ලා නොගනිමි...
එනමුදු කිසි විටෙකත්
අත  නොහරිමි .....
කිසිදු විටෙක
මතක් නොකර ද .....
අමතක නොවනු
ඇතැයි සිතමි.....